Someone I love is going through something incredibly difficult. My natural instinct? To step in, to say or do something—anything—to try to fix it.
But instead, I’m doing nothing.
I’m not saying a word, not making any moves. My best action, it seems, is inaction. And honestly? It feels terrible.
How is doing nothing ever the right thing?
I feel this overwhelming responsibility to make things better. I am, by nature and by training, a helper. I’ve always prided myself on being there for others, providing comfort, offering solutions. So why, now, am I standing still?
It feels counterintuitive. Action seems like the obvious response when someone you care about is struggling. Yet, doing nothing has become one of the hardest things I’ve ever (not) done. The feelings of powerlessness and helplessness are suffocating.
It’s tempting to intervene, to offer advice, or to take control of the situation. It would give me the illusion of being helpful, of being in charge. But the reality is, this person is an adult, and they haven’t asked for my help. (WTH?!)
They’re navigating this challenge in their own way, on their own terms. As hard as it is to watch them go through it, I must respect their process. I have no right to impose my opinions, my suggestions, or my timeline on them.
Sometimes, doing nothing is the hardest thing we can do.
It doesn’t make the problem go away, and it doesn’t alleviate the pain of watching someone you care about struggle. But sometimes, it’s the most loving thing we can offer.
Instead of intervening, I’m choosing to simply be present. I answer the phone when they call, remaining neutral and supportive. I listen without judgment, validate their feelings, and encourage them however I can.
It doesn’t feel like enough. It doesn’t fix anything. But my role in this moment isn’t to be the hero or the solution. I am a support, not the main character.
Inserting my own definition of support, or stepping in to force a specific outcome, would make me feel better. It would ease my discomfort. But this isn’t about me. It’s about them. Surrender, trust, and letting go are sometimes the hardest things we need to practice.
Doing nothing, at times, is the most loving thing we can do.
Some Food for Thought When a Loved One is Struggling:
- How do you respond when someone you love is hurting?
- What do you do when you feel the urge to step in, thinking it’s your responsibility to fix things?
- How do you cope with feelings of powerlessness in these situations?
- How do you define love and support?
- Have you taken the time to ask someone how you can best support them, instead of inserting yourself into their situation?
Much love,
~ Allyson
