The Dishonoring P’s

Perfecting

Pretending

Prostituting

Pleading

Performing

Procrastinating

Pushing

Punishing

Personalizing

Proving

Pursuing

Protecting

Pleasing

Placating

Passivity

Pitying

Flawless – you try to be flawless in what you do, how you look, and everything you accomplish. There’s a sense that things are never good enough. You have a self-induced pressure to do all and be all for everyone. You’re highly critical and concerned about what others think, so you try to stave off their opinions by being perfect and always striving for more. You have unrealistic standards and you see things in an all-or-none or black-and-white manner. Perhaps you avoid things you’re not good at or are unsure of. You fear failure, making a mistake, looking badly, or seeming less than others. You don’t let people see your imperfections, shortcomings, faults, or vulnerabilities.

When you’re on stage, Performing is an admiral skill. However, in real life, it separates you from your truth and authenticity. You play a role, put on an act, or do things based on what’s expected of you or gains approval. You perform for others in a constant attempt to achieve or attain something. You’re lost in a chronic sense of doing and accomplishing without knowing how to rest, relax, or have fun. People’s opinions and feedback matter, so you conduct yourself in a way that pleases them. You assume roles and responsibilities that don’t serve you and behave according to others’ expectations or ways you were taught, rather than what you believe to be true.

You’re sensitive to people’s moods, words, reactions, and behaviors, and your feelings are easily hurt. You believe most things have something to do with you, are because of you, or directed at you. When someone’s upset, you assume it’s your fault. When someone has a problem, you think it’s your responsibility to solve it. You believe other people’s problems, moods, and reactions are yours to manage.

You’re very nice—perhaps, too nice. This goes beyond kindness and human decency. You accommodate people, sometimes to your own detriment. You put on a smile, act nicely, tolerate, and endure whatever is happening. Like a chameleon, you acclimate and adapt to people around you, changing yourself to fit in. You don’t dare disagree, push back, or set limits. It’s important that people like you and think you’re a good person, but your niceness can go too far, and you end up losing touch with what’s in your best interest. You apologize for things that are not your fault nor responsibility. Saying yes is your norm, even when you don’t want to or you don’t have it to give. Saying no to someone seems selfish and uncaring. Authenticity and genuineness sound like great concepts, but you struggle to know who you really are. People may take advantage of your goodness and you allow it to happen.

This is your own form of denial. You pretend to be something you’re not by suppressing your feelings, needs, perspective, and reality. You’ve lost touch with your personal truth. You spend money you don’t have, do things you don’t like to do, go places you don’t want to go, or try to be someone you aren’t. You create a story about how you want things to seem, rather than how they really are. You tell yourself things are okay when they’re not or that something isn’t a problem when it really is. This includes patterns of excusing, deceiving, minimizing, denying, and justifying. You develop thoughts and behaviors attempting to protect yourself from hard truths or consequences that ultimately need to be addressed.

“Later” is one of your favorite words. You stall, avoid, delay, and distract. Dealing with things head-on nearly sends you into a panic. You put things off and avoid people or situations to elude the discomfort and fear of conflict, uncertainty, or overwhelm. It’s hard for you to break things down into smaller, more manageable pieces. You feel uncertain, confused, or embarrassed, so you delay and push things to the back burner to avoid those feelings. You hope things will go away or work themselves out. Though things need your attention, you put them off and don’t take action. Perhaps you miss deadlines or feel a mad dash in the 11^th hour as you finally try to get something done. You know the toll of procrastinating but you continue to do it when you feel threatened by certain tasks, situations, or people.

You have a chronic need to prove yourself and work hard to justify yourself. You aren’t solid or secure in what you think and feel about yourself, so what others think of you really matters. You have a deep-seated need to show your worth through things such as wealth, success, intelligence, sex-appeal, accomplishing, etc. Your external façade masks a chronic sense of unworthiness. You have a competitive side and feel threatened by other’s success, beauty, wealth, and accomplishments. It’s hard for you to accept yourself, so you set about proving your value to others when, in reality, it is your own approval that you really need.

You find yourself in the middle and feel it is your responsibility to manage people, their moods, and reactions. You’ve become a “Yes” person to keep the peace, no matter the cost. You give in to the expectations and demands of others to keep them happy. It’s hard for you to express yourself freely and effectively. You mediate conflict and assume responsibility for diffusing situations. You mitigate your point of view not to disturb, bother, or anger others while swallowing your feelings and responses to situations. You pay a high toll in over-owning things that are other people’s responsibility.

Though you may immediately refute this pattern, take a deeper look and realize this isn’t just about sexual behavior. Prostituting are the ways you sell yourself out by compromising your values, standards, and integrity, including the ways you allow yourself to be treated. You sacrifice your personal dignity and respect to fit in, earn money, move up, or gain something. These include all of the ways you betray yourself behaviorally, emotionally, intellectually, physically, and verbally. If you go against your morals, ethics, and value or allow others to violate these, this is a pattern worth taking a look at.

You insert your thoughts, opinions, and feedback where they may not belong. You have lots of opinions and share them readily, often without being asked. You have a strong drive and determination in life and use powerful, aggressive behavior, attitudes, or language to get your way. People may have accused you of being intrusive, bossy, bitchy, forceful, or  an asshole. You impose yourself or your agenda into situations or onto someone, believing you know best and trying to force things to happen. You try to convince people, antagonize, or persuade them to your way of thinking or acting. You dominate the room, conversations, experiences, and people. This can be a form of control, manipulation, bullying, or intimidation.

Simply put, you try too hard. You are overly eager and go to extreme lengths to chase after what you want. You’ve learned to hustle and get lost in the pursuit. You chase after something or someone, using “lean forward” energy that actually repels what you want, but you just keep trying harder. In your pursuit, you don’t listen to or take cues from people or situations. Don’t confuse this with hard work and determination; this has more of a desperate energy to it.

You take on a passive role in situations and with people. You avoid conflict and decision making. You tolerate whatever happens or whatever other people dish out. You couldn’t imagine voicing your needs, opinions, or preferences. You aren’t assertive and tend to put a higher value on opinions other than your own. You allow others to dictate, decide, and control while trying to go along to get along. You’ve taken easy-going too far by becoming selfless, and perhaps you even self-deprecate. You’re easily persuaded and lack clarity about what you really want.

You repeatedly try to prove a point, get through to someone, or make them understand. You have the same conversation or engage in the same behaviors, hoping for different results. You feel you must be heard. You try to force a point, create certain outcomes, or get someone to do or not do something. Even if the person is unwilling or incapable of doing what you want, you keep trying. People show you who they are and what you can expect from them, but you aren’t listening. You keep trying to gt through tot hem or “make them see”. You experience high levels of frustration, desperation, and irritation when things don’t go your way or people don’t hear you.

You feel sorry for yourself or others by focusing on the negative instead of the positive. Your thoughts are drawn to the unfairness in the world. You tend to get stuck on the problem rather than focusing on the solution. You’re likely to miss the positive or the silver linings. Your viewpoint is centered around the woes of the world, and you have a heavy energy and perspective.

You’re filled with self-loathing and you are the first in line to punish or ridicule yourself. You guilt, shame, and  chastise yourself.  Or, perhaps you punish others. Your energy is defensive, angry, and hostile. Someone did you wrong and you’ve decided that people deserve to pay. You feel justified in giving people what you believe they deserve, and you’re likely to get them before they get you.

You use words, behaviors, or energy to protect yourself or someone else. When directed inwardly, you wall off parts of yourself, are defensive, and won’t let others see your struggles, weaknesses, or vulnerabilities. You tend to isolate or shut down. Or rather, perhaps you’re protective of others. You shield someone else from hard truths or consequences. You feel it is your job or responsibility to own or shelter someone from stress, feelings, conflict, or consequences.