Lesson 7: Boundary Basics
Boundaries are adaptable and you can adjust them to suit specific circumstances and relationships. You are in the driver’s seat as you assess what’s working and what isn’t. Not all boundaries are relevant in every relationship, for every person, with each interaction. It’s important to take note of what feels comfortable and safe, along with what you want and need.
For example, perhaps you prioritize time for family by carving out specific time for your siblings, but not for your neighbors. You may respect the private space of your spouse but not your children. It’s fine for your uncle to hug and kiss you on the cheek but you prefer a handshake from a stranger. And, maybe it feels necessary and comfortable monitoring a young child in the shower but respect closed doors as the children get older.
Boundaries can be fluid and flexible and can also change at any point. For example, your weekend time may be more spontaneous than your workdays. Perhaps you prefer summertime company but find yourself more reserved as the weather changes. You recognize your preference for daily contact through calls and texts with an intimate partner but prefer only occasional contact with an old college friend. You may feel fine sharing food most days but feel protective of that special dessert you bought for yourself. Scrolling through Instagram may feel fine sitting in the doctor’s office but you recognize the problem it creates when you’re at home. A season of grief may require more solitude, quiet, and darker spaces. There’s no right or wrong, it’s simply your personal preference in each of these scenarios.
There may be occasions in which your boundaries are more rigid, firm, and black and white due to the nature of the relationship. For example, being in a committed relationship, you decide to engage with the opposite sex only in group settings. At work, you are connected with same level managers on social media but not with your employees. You feel comfortable sharing intimate details of your relationship with your sister rather than your in-laws.
The history of the relationship may reveal some necessary differences too. Your boundaries might need to be firmer or all or none in certain situations. If there has been a violation such as domestic violence, you may feel safer with no contact at all, locked doors at night, and prefer no one stand behind you or too closely. Perhaps infidelity led to the need for more information, consistent reassurance, and daily check-ins with full access to accounts and passwords. If someone has stolen from you or not returned borrowed items, you may not be willing to offer money or materials to them at all.
Awareness is the key here. As you are learning to set boundaries and tune in to your likes and dislikes, you can simply “taste test” what feels right and what doesn’t. Experiment with where you want to draw the line and know that is flexible and adaptable.
Are your preferences becoming clearer? Do you recognize specific areas that feel differently from others? Can you determine which categories are more important for you? Are there certain ones that feel more flexible and adaptable? What areas do you notice your biggest struggle? Which category stirs up the greatest discomfort?
Boundary Basics
If boundaries are so important and they add so much to your well-being, why are they so complicated? What gets in the way of setting them easily and effectively? Remember, you are shaped by early life experiences and messages. Let’s take a look at old messages and what be getting in your way.
- Learned behavior – social, cultural, familial, religious, and gender norms
- Role modeled behaviors and responsibilities
- Confusion about how and why to say no
- Avoiding conflict, disagreement, and tension
- Fear of abandonment
- Attempts to fit in and be liked
- Personalizing other’s behavior
- Concern about what others may think
- Reacting vs. Responding
- Rewarded and reinforced messages – the things that got you approval, acceptance, and acknowledgment
- Misconception of love and loving behavior
- Assuming you know what’s best
- Not understanding the difference between helping and enabling
- Fear of what may happen if you don’t intervene
- Feeling bad about watching someone struggle or suffer consequences
- Other people’s requests, reactions, and responses
- Weariness – fatigue, exhaustion, and overwhelm
When you think of setting boundaries, it’s important to understand what gets in your way and how these barriers are impacting your ability to be clear and firm. What are the reasons you struggle to stand strong for what’s in your best interest? What were the norms that you were taught? Was the role you played in childhood an accurate fit for you; is it true to your character as an adult? Do your role models represent what’s genuine for you? When you think about setting boundaries, what obstacles do you face? Use the space below to write these out.
There you have it, the basics of boundaries and all of things that can get in your way. As you continue to gain clarity, understand your motives, and consider new ways of relating, it’s important to have a basic framework as you move forward.
Knowing who to get involved with, when to get involved, and to what extent can feel a bit confusing. Self-awareness and self-honesty are two essential points in this process. You are your own starting point and very best guide. Even further, your feelings relay critical information and as you learn to listen to your G.P.S. (gut, perception, and senses), you will begin to trust it as essential source of deeper knowing. Use it to check in with yourself to assess and gauge your commodities (time, energy, and effort) to see if this person, situation, or request is in your best interest.
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