Lesson 8: Boundaries Defined

The word boundary is certainly a term you’ve heard before. Though you know the language and perhaps have a basic understanding of what they are, most people have no clue where to begin or how to start setting them effectively. Let’s see if we can get you started.

Professional Definition – “the ways you relate to others and allow others to relate to you that feel safe and acceptable and how you will respond when someone passes those limits”
~ Allyson Blythe, LCSW

Simply Put – Personal boundaries are imaginary lines that separate you from another; your likes from your dislikes; what feels comfortable from what doesn’t. They are defined and clarified with your words, behaviors, consequences, and your follow through. Follow through is perhaps the most important part of setting boundaries. Otherwise, they simply become threats. If your words say one thing and your behavior says another, you automatically lose credibility and your boundaries are null and void.

Boundaries – What’s all the fuss?

Let’s outline just some of the benefits of establishing firm and clear boundaries.

  • Ensure your physical, emotional, sexual, financial safety and well-being
  • Increase personal joy and happiness
  • Allow you to take care of yourself and the things that are important to you
  • Allow you to take care of your personal responsibilities
  • Help define your preferences – likes, dislikes, what feels good and what doesn’t
  • Preserve the overall health of your relationships
  • Build self-respect, self-reliance, and self-esteem
  • Show the safety of the other person by their reaction
  • Show the health of the relationship
  • Increase connection and intimacy with safe people
  • Allow you to make yourself a priority
  • Define what feels acceptable and safe for you
  • Let people know where they stand and what you’re ok with and what you’re not
  • Build integrity – people know you’re being honest and they can trust your yes and your no
  • Clarify – people don’t have to guess or mind read because you’ve communicated effectively
  • Function from a place of authenticity rather than social or familial training

Types of Boundaries

Perhaps part of the confusion about boundaries is understanding the vast areas they cover. Let’s shed some light on the different types of boundaries:

  • Physical
  • Emotional
  • Sexual
  • Verbal
  • Financial
  • Material
  • Time
  • Energy
  • Social
  • Spatial
  • Food
  • Spiritual

Physical Boundaries Include

  • Proximity – how close others can get to you, positioning (above, behind, next to, in front of), where someone sits or stands, touching, talking
  • Handshakes vs Hugs vs No physical contact
  • Personal space – purse, wallet, work area, private drawers, showering, bathroom use, desk, briefcase, bed, journal, toolbox
  • Open doors, closed doors, locked doors
  • Open vs closed blinds and windows
  • Touch
  • Tickling
  • Affection – touching, kissing, hand holding, arm around, public vs private display
  • Anything that creates an unsettling or uncomfortable feeling or a lack of safety

Emotional Boundaries Include:

  • Comfort level and tolerance with different feelings – anger, sadness, excitement, guilt, anxiety, etc.
  • What you share, how much you share, and with whom
  • Revealing personal details
  • Handling conflict
  • Tolerance for conflict or disagreement
  • Teasing
  • Sarcasm
  • Volume and Intensity of conversation or conflict
  • Vulnerability vs Transparency
  • Managing Vulnerability – yours or someone else’s
  • Allowing input and feedback from someone you trust
  • Allowing input and feedback from someone you don’t know, like, or trust
  • Internally vs externally processing information

Sexual Boundaries Include

  • Touch – where on your body, with whom, frequency, energy of (caress, pinch, grab)
  • Kissing – peck, check, mouth, tongue
  • Nudity
  • Words or names you use to describe sexual parts or acts
  • Changing clothes
  • Levels of intimacy
  • Foreplay
  • Behaviors you engage in and acts you receive
  • Conversation about sex and with whom

Verbal Boundaries Include

  • Volume and intensity of conversation
  • Length of conversations
  • Use of cuss words
  • Frequency and methods of contact
  • How much you share and with whom
  • Need for space, quiet, and solitude
  • Need to connect, process, and share
  • Purpose of sharing – People communicate for all kinds of reasons. It is important to know what needs are attached to your sharing – reassurance, approval, information, clarification, processing, need for input, connection

Financial Boundaries Include

  • Earning preference
  • Debt tolerance
  • Spending amounts on various things
  • Borrowing money and from whom
  • Loaning money and to whom
  • Giving money – how often, to whom, and why
  • Savings preferences – emergency fund, retirement, college, vacation
  • Late fees
  • Paying interest
  • Paying for things for others

Material Boundaries Include

  • Clutter tolerance
  • Keeping different types of things – clothes, books, shoes, piles, papers, tools, memorabilia
  • Less is More vs More is Better mentality
  • Your physical space – how you keep it, decorate it
  • Reasons you buy things – want, need, on sale, keeping up with others, guilt, fear
  • Reasons you keep things – nostalgia, just in case, someday, fear, deprivation, who you used to be, who you want to be
  • How you keep things – thrown in a box, piled up, a display shelf or cabinet
  • Spaces where you keep things – closets, basement, under the bed
  • Loaning things to others – tools, books, clothing
  • Borrowing things from others
  • Giving things away

Time Boundaries Include

  • Earning preference
  • Debt tolerance
  • Spending amounts on various things
  • Borrowing money and from whom
  • Loaning money and to whom
  • Giving money – how often, to whom, and why
  • Savings preferences – emergency fund, retirement, college, vacation
  • Late fees
  • Paying interest
  • Paying for things for others

Energy Boundaries Include

  • The vibe you get from something or someone and how it affects you
  • Things you feel energized or drained by
  • Mood you practice
  • Surrounding environment – home, bedroom, work space, where you spend the most time
  • Media – news, reading material, social feed, radio, in-box
  • Company you keep – negative, critical, gossip, positive, happy, like-minded
  • Thoughts you entertain – fear, comparison, curiosity, gratitude
  • Habits – overeating, scrolling, staying up too late, reading, exercise, gardening
  • Places you go – work, bar, gym, neighborhood, shops, breakroom
  • Types of crowds
  • Approach to things – curious, open–minded, rigid, skeptical
  • Listening to other people’s problems and how this affects you
  • Lighting – bright vs dark

Social Boundaries Include

  • Social circle – whom, where, how often
  • Where you go – bars, gym, nature, neighborhood
  • Introverted vs extroverted
  • Quality vs Quantity time
  • Quality vs Quantity relationships
  • Calling, texting
  • Frequency and method of contact
  • Large groups, small crowds, or one-on–one interaction

Spatial Boundaries Include

  • Connection you need in a relationship
  • Separateness in relationship
  • Preferences for contact – frequency, ways you do this
  • Quality time vs quantity
  • Access to private information – passwords, journal
  • Processing information – internally, externally

Food Boundaries Include

  • Frequency of meals and amount
  • Sharing food
  • Food preferences
  • Shopping for and preparing food
  • Eating and drinking after someone
  • Relational meaning you assign to food and meals
  • Emotional issues with food stability

Spiritual Boundaries Include

  • Spiritual and worship practices
  • Personal beliefs
  • How you identify your Higher Power
  • Understanding and respect for other beliefs and practices

Wow, congratulations. That’s a lot to take in and to recognize which categories are more relevant in your life than others. Knowing your preferences can be a powerful point of awareness and a great place to start. As you proceed, there are several important factors to understand as you dive further into this work.

If you want a printed version of this lesson, CLICK HERE.